Honestly Amy

Last day of school and Elvis has NOT left the building....

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 08:02:42 -0400

Last day of school and Elvis has NOT left the building. #photoaday

My entire body is sore...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 18:31:08 -0400

And it took me an entire day to figure out why.

Yesterday was field day and I tug-of-wared like I was 16 and back at summer camp.

And a 6th grader told me I was really strong. It’s not hard to impress elementary school kids.

Today

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 21:08:56 -0400

So today wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be. There wasn’t much food and I had water (no soda) a burger, some chips and one brownie.

Not too bad.

I also got to chat with some cousins who I hadn’t seen in SO long. They are 26 and 23 years old and the 26 year old has a 6 year old and lots of tattoos. The 23 year old has TWO kids. My other cousin who is 28 has 4 kids already. I felt totally left out because I haven’t birthed a child. Often, I still feel like I AM a child. Cousin A asked if I wanted kids. I played it off cool but if I’m being honest, then yes, I do want to have kids. But I want to be married first.

I just feel like time is passing too quickly. I know that people have children older these days but I can barely support myself right now. I have no romantic prospects, and frankly, I don’t want anyone touching me or seeing me naked because I’m ashamed of how I look.

I am afraid to admit that I want the house and the kids and the husband because I’m scared that I’ll never have that.

Feeling like a bad person

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 11:08:57 -0400

My uncle is having people over today for a cookout and I don’t want to go. I have nothing in common with my family and I literally just sit there for hours and stare at the food table while everyone else talks. No one asks me questions and I have no idea what is going on in any of their lives.

I just want to stay home. But it’s father’s day so I should go. I called my mom with the intention of lying and saying I don’t feel well so I didn’t have to go. But my dad answered her phone. So I just asked what time they were leaving and said I’d be there.

I don’t want to be forced to be social. I don’t want that much food in front of me (because I will eat all of it). I want to be selfish and stay home and be my hermit self.

My Life According to Bridesmaids

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 22:13:06 -0400

So a few weeks ago I was low, low, low. And I watched Bridesmaids over and over and over again. The part spoke to me:

In no way am I as ridiculous as Annie but I could identify with the “everything is going wrong in my life” theme of the movie.

And I was all:

But then all of you tumblrfolk assured me that the world was not going to end and I just need to keep plodding along. It was kind of like this:

So I had a heart to heart with myself and realized:

That I am my solution. No one is going to fix my life for me…especially if I don’t ever ask for help.

So I’m still here, taking things one day at a time. I interviewed this past week for a job at my school. I hope, I hope, I hope it works out. Send happy thoughts my way. School ends on Wednesday then I have a long weekend before I begin summer tutoring.

My goal is not to waste away my entire summer by watching tv or playing candy crush. I want to use the time wisely to better myself.

This long, stressful week is finally coming to an end. Field day is cancelled tomorrow due to rain...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 23:13:52 -0400

This long, stressful week is finally coming to an end. Field day is cancelled tomorrow due to rain so I’ve taken the day off.

I plan on sleeping in as late as possible then doing something productive…maybe.

Today is officially Kick Amy While She's Down Day

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 21:18:00 -0400

So after the runner and the interview I came home and wanted to nap but I decided to go to school committee tonight with the classroom teacher to share our community service project with the committee.

We waited an hour before it was our turn. And then she didn’t let me say a thing. The tech teacher came up with the idea. We worked on it in class. I called Scholastic and ordered all the books for the project. I took photos of the entire process and wrote a huge blog post for our class blog…which I started and maintain. She doesn’t even know how to sign into it.

And then she talked the whole time and took credit for the entire project including the blog. I almost cried but I just stood there and smiled like Vanna White then went home.

She called me on the way home and said thanks for coming and sorry she didn’t let me say anything. I didn’t answer the phone. And tomorrow when she brings it up I’ll say it’s okay because I wouldn’t want to not be polite.

Can I just take a mental health day tomorrow? Thursday I have to be there to give a gift to someone and Friday is field day in the rain. So tomorrow…I should be absent. Right??

For my 600th post...

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 16:47:04 -0400

I shall tell you all about how a student of mine BOLTED from the building ON INTERVIEW DAY!

SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!

How is this my life? This kid has a time out procedure that if he hits or kicks another student he is removed from the classroom. He is impulsive. So today he was working on his American symbol poster.

Boy: I thought you were drawing the liberty bell.

Girl: No you’re drawing the liberty bell.

Boy: KICK.

I tell him he needs to take a break from the classroom. He leaves willingly….until he realizes he will have to complete his “time out” work which includes a social autopsy about what social error he made. He refuses to enter the BCBA’s room so I have her paged. She follows him down the hall, I head the other way around the loop and by the time I get there he is outside.

The crisis team is called.

Of course this has to happen on interview day. I followed all procedures but I come off looking like I’m incapable of controlling my class.

P.S. The interview went well…I think.

P.P.S. I wore the black pants.

Okay…ignore the mess and the dark blurry pictures. Do I...

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 21:42:00 -0400

Okay…ignore the mess and the dark blurry pictures.

Do I interview in black on black or black on gray pinstripe?

Edit: the options are black pants, black blazer OR light grey pinstripe pants, black blazer.

I have an interview at my school for a 4th grade position on Tuesday. The same school that hired an...

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 23:07:48 -0400

I have an interview at my school for a 4th grade position on Tuesday. The same school that hired an aide 2 years ago with no interview. The same school that only interviewed me and the principals niece last year and gave her the job. The same school that then put her in the grade I just spent all year working in.

Why are they all the sudden being super official and holding actual panel interviews now?

They are seriously just screwing with my mind. And my mind is now all over the place thinking that I deserve the job because I’m awesome and qualified to I deserve the job because the shady stuff they put on me to I deserve the job but won’t get it because that is the story of my life.

I want to think positively and be confident in myself but its just so hard when all I’ve known as of late is rejection.

So I’m sleeping on the other side of my bedroom tonight....

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 23:04:54 -0400

So I’m sleeping on the other side of my bedroom tonight.

Way back in February, I bought a new dresser and new bed linens (and lots of other stuff) from Ikea with the intention of making my bedroom less collegy and more grown up.

And then I fell into the funk of no return and my apartment turned into an episode of hoarders.

Today I woke determined to accomplish something. By myself I managed to get my old dresser out of the way, flip my bed to the opposite wall, and get my new dresser in.

It definitely counted as a WOD. Then I gave up because I was exhausted. But I actually accomplished something that I’ve been meaning to do for a long time…and it feels good.

Clouds in the morning vs clouds in the afternoon. How quickly...

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 22:11:43 -0400

Clouds in the morning vs clouds in the afternoon. How quickly things can change.

Thank you

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 21:16:24 -0400

Thank you all for the kind and encouraging comments and messages. I put off writing that post for so long but was quickly reminded that help will always be given to those who make it known that they are struggling.

I decided that I’m going to commit to accomplishing 3 things each day. Today was return a purchase, buy new sneakers, and cook dinner. I’m happy to say that I did them all.

But today was crazy. I woke up super early and actually got out of bed. Weighed myself…ouch. A student broke her arm riding her bike to school and we had a fire drill right in the middle of lunch so I didn’t get to eat. Came home and binged something fierce. Am now lying in bed trying not to throw up.

Tomorrow’s three things:
Eat a fruit.
Eat a veggie.
Go to yoga.

This is the post I've been putting off writing

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 19:29:13 -0400

I’ve been putting it off in part because I don’t know if I’ll be able to find the words, but also because writing it out means admitting it to myself.

I don’t feel like me any more. I am miserable pretty much all the time…dare I say depressed? I wander around school just counting the minutes till I can go home…to eat. I’ve been bingeing like crazy and have gained 20 pounds since January. Honestly, I’m surprised it isn’t more. I am back up to 272 which is my official “starting weight” from two years ago. And I’m so scared that I’m not going to be able to reign this in and I’ll pass my highest ever weight of 276.

This year has been stressful. My mom was sick in the fall. My class is the worst third grade has seen in 13 years. I got passed over AGAIN for a teaching position to the principal’s niece. I’m waiting to hear about the other open position. I’ve been super lonely on the friend front and trying to spend lots of time with my parents as they are moving away sometime soon.

There are lots of changes brewing and I’m not coping well. I don’t know whether the eating is to cope with the changes and the unknown or the anxiety or whether my anxiety meds are fucking with my brain and making me susceptible to bingeing.

I gave up on 5K training and my apartment is such a disaster I could probably be on the show Hoarders. I’m just barely going through the motions right now and I feel like I’m falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole with no way out.

Yes.

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 17:09:28 -0400

Yes.

Annie was right. The sun did come out. #photoaday #clouds

Sun, 26 May 2013 11:04:35 -0400

Annie was right. The sun did come out. #photoaday #clouds

relevant.

Thu, 23 May 2013 15:43:51 -0400

relevant.

I'm over this week.

Wed, 22 May 2013 22:48:08 -0400

On Monday I thought it was Thursday.

On Tuesday I spent an hour doing a time out procedure while dodging flying computer mice and being called a fucking idiot by a 9 year old.

Today I had to skip yoga (which I have been looking forward to since last week) because I felt all vomity after school.

And tomorrow is only Thursday.

I was planning on heading to Maine for the holiday weekend but now it looks like it’s going to rain all weekend.

All I want is to wake up totally in love with my life.

Tue, 21 May 2013 22:15:06 -0400

Sometimes you go to work on a Monday and you think it’s...

Mon, 20 May 2013 17:49:58 -0400

Sometimes you go to work on a Monday and you think it’s Thursday but then you leave with a bottle of wine from a parent for putting up with their kid.