Apparently this is the cable equivalent of the blue screen of death. #notvfordays #boo #verizonfios
As soon as I posted the post this morning that I was dreading today because I had so many things to do and all I wanted to do was stay in bed, I realized I needed an attitude adjustment.
Yes I was tired. Yes I’m tired every morning…I’m just not a morning person. Yes I would like to lay around in bed all day. But vacation is right around the corner (HELLO MY SCHOOL IS LIKE THE ONLY SCHOOL OPEN TOMORROW!).
And today turned out pretty great. School went well. I was proud of kids. I laughed. They laughed. We all made it out alive. The therapist was a bust. I cried. I don’t think she’s the right person either. I baked cupcakes and had to go to the store mid-bake to buy eggs. They caved in and look ugly but taste delicious. I had a lovely dinner with a friend and just got home at 11 pm. Now I’m about to make frosting and decorate cupcakes and hopefully get to bed around midnight.
I’m tired but today was pretty great.
I have to leave for work in 20 minutes and I lying in bed. I over scheduled myself today and it exhausts me to think about it.
I have to leave work early (thus missing a meeting) to go to a new therapist. Therapy is exhausting in its own right. Mentally exhausting. Then I’m having dinner with a friend them home to bake and decorate Easter cupcakes.
Getting into bed tonight is going to feel so wonderful.
So tomorrow I leave work a bit early and go see a new therapist. I am scared! But also proud of myself that I’m continuing to invest in myself and finding someone to help me sort things out. (Naturally I’m baking more cupcakes to distract myself from nerves/anxiety….Easter cupcakes here we come!)
And just to throw another wrench into my plan, I have to change insurance companies because my school district is dropping my current insurance. SERIOUSLY?!?
But the good news is, is my new insurance will be a bigger name insurance that more places are likely to accept.
Also…my town doesn’t do holidays so we have school on Good Friday. But then it’s vacation! I CANNOT WAIT.
Cupcake rose bouquet! #cupcakes #baystatecupcake #baking #happybirthday
Pro tip: don’t wear a black shirt when baking with powdered sugar. #cupcakes #baking
Today was hard.
I ended up driving separately from my parents in case I felt the need to flee. I stopped for nylons and got to the funeral home about 3:15 (the viewing started at 2).
I hugged my dad and all my uncles in the line then hugging my aunt I started to cry. I glanced over at my grandfather in the casket but someone was paying their respects so I went to find my mom.
I sat for a bit in the other room where there was a slideshow of his life but looking around at everyone made me cry again. I’m not good at the feeling emotions thing.
So I went outside because there was no way I could sit in the funeral home for the next hour. I ended up sitting in my car for a while until it was time for the service.
They sat children first then grandchildren so I didn’t even get to sit with my parents. I sat with a cousin who was also alone. I cried off and on during the service but tried to keep myself composed.
After we went outside for a military rite. They played taps and when the navy officer handed the flag to my aunt and said “On behalf of the president of the United States…” I lost it.
After the service everyone went to a banquet hall for dinner. I was going to go home because I didn’t think I could handle any more but I went and it was nice to talk to everyone outside of the funeral home.
We all took some flowers from the arrangements home. It was a long, sad afternoon.
I finally went back to work today. I was going to go yesterday but the thought of making it through two full work days sounded exhausting.
Generally people were respectful (i.e. didn’t bring it up in the lunch room) and just offered condolences. The kids were very sweet. My cooperating teacher told them yesterday why I had been out for a few days. So today I came in to hugs and smiles and cards. One girl made me a bracelet in art class to go with her card.
Kids can sometimes be the best medicine.
I am dreading tomorrow. Funerals are not my thing….not that they are anyone’s thing but I’d prefer to grieve alone at home not in the company of my family and strangers. I really, really, really don’t want to go but I know it is the grown up thing to do. It is going to be open casket and while I understand the history and meaning behind it, I’d prefer not to have that image burned into my brain forever. I’d rather replay images from when he was healthy and happy rather than just a body.
Death is such a weird thing. I know it is the natural end to everyone’s life cycle. But it’s so strange that in just a moment a person goes from being in your life to ceasing to exist except in your memories.
Yesterday I found a black funeral dress at Old Navy during their $15 sale which is good because I probably won’t wear it again. I got some black nylons too but in trying them on it’s a bit too Wednesday Addams. I think I’ll pick up some nude ones tomorrow before the service.
Thank you for all your kind words and your well wishes. It means a lot to have a place where I can be open and honest and allowed to sort through my thoughts without the fear of judgement.
Today I took another day off and slept in. After yesterday I needed to sleep for hours and hours.
I woke up at 4 am and was up for an hour but then fell back asleep until 9. Then I went to the BFF’s house, baked delicious banana muffins, and played with a three year old. It was good for the soul.
When I got home I cooked stir fry with lots of veggies. It felt good to eat some real food.
I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. I really have no reason not to except that I don’t want everyone at work to ask what happened and if I’m okay. But I know the longer I wait the harder it will be. And I don’t know how many bereavement days I have and if they are paid or not.
After everything that happened this morning I tried to go back to sleep. It was a no go. So even though it was a bit rainy I decided to go for a drive. I couldn’t just sit in the empty house all day and lay on the couch and cry. I mean I could have but I didn’t want to.
But when I get anxious and feel the need to flee driving helps. I was going to drive to my apartment and try to sleep in my own bed….but before I really knew what I was doing I put on some Stephen Kellogg and headed west. As I drove I realized where I was going. Amherst…my college town. I needed something familiar.
So I drove to Amherst, got a slice of pizza from Antonio’s, then drove back home. The sun came out, I shed some tears, and didn’t go crazy by sitting at home alone all day.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings.
My grandfather passed away this morning. It was expected as he has been ill for some time now. From what I was told it was peaceful. He had a lot of morphine and slept through the night.
My parents are on a cruise (planned forever ago) so I am at their house with the dog. My dad has been the health care proxy but when he was away his brother’s were in charge.
This morning as I was getting ready for work I noticed a voicemail on the house phone from the hospital. I called my uncle to make sure he got the message and he asked if a different brother had called me yet. He broke the news to me.
I texted my brother because I didn’t think I’d be able to call. My uncle called the boat to tell my dad so he knows but they won’t be home until Friday.
I thought about trying to go to work to busy myself but I can’t do it. And I feel guilty about that because I had a lot I was supposed to do today so it’s going to throw the whole day off.
So now I’m sitting in my parent’s house alone. I know there is no right or wrong way to handle this but I don’t know what to do with myself. Just go to work tomorrow and hope no one asks me about it or offers condolences? I know people mean well but in person that will just make me cry.